Also? The Baseball vs. Football sketch KILLS ME every time.
/sniffles
Gonna miss you, George
Also? The Baseball vs. Football sketch KILLS ME every time.
/sniffles
Gonna miss you, George
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was dis appointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with his new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all t hat bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return. Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
Regards, Jim
... ohmygod
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was dis appointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with his new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all t hat bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return. Still in shock.
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
Regards, Jim
... ohmygod
.
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